I've been having the absolute schizophrenia of schizophrenic conversations with myself lately. I know I know, crazy talk is simply that, crazy talk. But seriously? Why do I do these things to myself. I met someone who truly couldnt have been more perfect for me. Yes, there were things about him that were not perfect, but what he said and what he did was so refreshing for me. I felt happy for the first time in forever and what did I do? I FUCKED it up, of course. I just cant let well enough alone. I think in the grand reality of things I am a good person. I love making people happy and making them feel better. I'm so tired of seeing someone who has completely and totally destroyed my life, going through as if there is nothing to feel badly about or anything. He gets everything handed to him and he gets to just keep going and be happy pretty much forever.
Why is that? He gets to screw over every single person that he comes into contact with and I get to do nothing. I just get to deal with the consequence of my mistake from here on out. Its NOT fair. Now, I know that I must have done something truly awful in one of my past lives, my sister says I killed Jesus. I dont know, but I have the worst luck of anyone I know. And really Cosmos? Sagittarians are supposed to be lucky for crying out loud. Its ridiculous really. So, Dan gets to have a fabulous life, get married to a GREAT person and live happily ever after. (so, fyi does his sister who is also NOT such a great person) Now, what do I get to do? I get to struggle every single day for nothing. I get to be alone and lonely every single day. I get to keep getting older and older with no silver lining coming anytime soon in my cloud-strewn sky. I'm not healthy. I'm overweight (uhh duh) I'm miserable all the time and here I am writing this down and if anyone were to ever come across it they would just wonder why I'm such a freaking whiner. I am a whiner. But what the hell am I supposed to do to make it different?
I've tried so many different things and with 30 looming on the horizon I'm not sure I can handle it. 30. The year that so many of us dread with every fiber of our being. I dont want to be 30. I dont want to be old. I dont want my life to continue to be as depressing as it has been all these long years. What have I accomplished? What can I say about myself? What is it exactly that I have going for me?
Oh that's right, the one thing I used to be able to do reasonably well, sing, I can barely do anymore and soooo many people do so much better than me. I am irrational about communication and I like things to be my way all the damn time. Let's see what else? I'm soooo not attractive and yet I am extremely judgemental. I have no right to be judgemental. I have no right to be any way really. But I am know I am on this downword spiral forever and I thought I'd finally found the thing that was going to get me out of it. I thought I had found him. The guy I could bring into my life and finally bring home to my family. But no. He ran away scared, because lets face it. When forced to confront the idea of spending eternity with Kristi Lynn Harvey, who wouldnt run? Yes, this is probably the most depressing journal-like entry I've ever done, but I just cant stop typing. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this all the time. And I definitely have things to be greatful for, but I just dont effing care right now. I am mad and sad and disappointed in my life and I'm tired of feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And why for God's sake, since I"m on this rant anyways, do men who are attached and by no means can be an active part of my life, find me so damn attractive? Why is it, that they flock to me to give them the sexual gratification that they cant seem to find at "home?"
Just explain these things to me oh void. Just tell me why my life has turned out the way it is. I dont understand it. I dont WANT to be this way. I dont WANT to be sad all the time and feel like I've failed my life. I've failed as a person and I've officially lost. I've lost my ability to do any damn thing about it.
I hate my life.
The End.
