230 & 229

So, since I've been on the extreme depression mode lately, I"m going to try to change it a up a bit and just give you guys one of my playlists to listen to.

A friend of mine randomly sends me suggestions for music to listen to, this playlist was inspired by him. Thanks Chuck!!!


This playlist is aptly called, Chuck's Influence:

All Around Me- Flyleaf

Bittersweet Memories- Bullet for My Valentine

Bully- Shinedown

Help Is On the Way- Rise Against

Hesitate-Stone Sour

Howlin' For You- The Black Keys

I Need a Doctor-Dr Dre feat. Eminem & Skylar Grey

The Kill- 30 Seconds To Mars

Make It Stop (September's Children)- Rise Against

Old Man- Redlight King

Satellite- Rise Against

Say You'll Haunt Me- Stone Sour

These Days- Food Fighters

238-231

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. Clearly no one has noticed, which is fine, I just haven't been in a sharing mood.

My body is giving up on me and its gotten to the point where I just can't deal with it. I'm coming across as this super depressed whiny person and I hate it.

I just wish I could take a break from my life.

K

241-239

I need a break. Anyone want to trade places?

242

We are heading into the middle of April 2013, I just had a very surreal night Friday night. Hung out with some people I haven't seen in over a decade. I found myself feeling so inadequate. I know that's Ridiculous. I also know that we all have to live our own lives. It's very difficult to separate the sad and the, I'm not sure how to put it, but I guess you could call it
Depression. I'm really just not sure what to call it. I have always been the least intelligent of those group of people. It was just interesting to be reminded of that.

I think that I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with my life. We all know that I have been beating myself up for over year longer probably. So, I think at this point it's just going to be about me making some Decisions about my life, and making sure that I stick with those decisions.

I know that no one really is reading this blog, and that is totally fine with me. it's really like I've said, more of a diary than anything else. I apologize to anyone who's come to this blog and just been depressed by what I write.

Hope you all have a fantastic evening

K

244 & 243

Someone explain to me my I'm such a people pleaser? I'm always giving in to people. It's depressing.

249-245

So, I always have so many things to say if this were a conversation, but when I go to write them all down, they just disappear.

I was going to share with you the complete and total pain I've been experiencing for months now. I'm finally taking the time to do the research and figure out what the hell I'm going to do.

I have PTTD. (Post Tiberial Tendon Dysfunction) My left ankle is almost completely turned in. I am only 30 years old. Almost every case I've found online writes about this being age-induced or sports induced. I can tell you that neither applies to me. Again, an issue with karma.

WHAT DID I DO?????? Grrr stupid Emperor of the Universe.


Anyhow, short explanation of PTTD is that it causes slow deformity of the foot, collapsing the natural arch and eventually rolling the ankle inward, creating pain beyond your best imaginings. I wake up every single day in pain and I go to bed in the same state. I usually try to keep these things to myself as everyone I know just thinks I'm crying wolf all the time, or just find me to be very sick. I hear things like "You're always sick." or "Jeez Kristi is anything NOT wrong with you?" So, I don't like telling everyone all the problems I have. It sounds ridiculous even to my ears.

However, at this point I could no longer ignore the pain. I"ve attempted to wrap my ankle and arch with ACE bandage. I've purchased a semi-rigid ankle brace and I still have my custom-made orthotics. I've been trying to wear sneakers to alleviate this pain and I have to say, nothing is working. I decided to suck it up and call the doctor. Tried my PCP and didnt get a call back. Then, I decided to call the doctor's office that I originally went to, over 6 years ago. They are getting me in April 23rd, so I will have more to share at that point. I know the orthotics aren't helping me at all. The pain in my feet is astronomical and nothing OTC touches it. I want to lose weight desperately, but when I tell people that WALKING, just the simple act of walking to the bathroom, causes me so much pain I can't hardly handle it they assume I'm just coming up with excuses why NOT to exercise.

NOT TRUE!!!

I wish I could let someone live in my body for one day to experience the amount of pain that I deal with on a day to day basis. Then ask them what THEY think of it.

I'm rambling, I do apologize. My whole point here, is that I hurt every day and I'm sooo effing sick of it. I am too young for this shit. So, I'm going to figure out if there is anything I can do in the meantime. Will keep you posted!!

Kristi

251 & 250

Well, at least I know I was told ONE correct thing and now I will just have to play the waiting game. Guess I'll have to deal with open hostility for the next year. Yippee!!

On another note, I'm making roasted cauliflower which I'm extremely excited about. Also, sometime soon i'm going to try to make cauliflower instead of rice for one of my meals and see how it turns out!! I saw it on the Today show and I was super excited about it.

Cruciferous vegetables are wonderful!!

K

253 & 252

I am not a vindictive person. I truly don't wish horrible things to happen to people. I don't really wish for revenge and to be honest I rarely stick up for myself in the way that I should. I have long feared that I have a heightened empathic ability which impedes my day-to-day interactions. It makes it hard for me to handle negative reinforcement or really any negative reactions to things I may have said or done.

I don't really believe that the truth shall set you free. There are so many instances when instead of telling a secret you should really just keep everything to yourself. What kills me is that I've been really honest lately in a certain situation and all it's done is get me stomped on relentlessly. It's made me cry and feel miserable. It's turned a simple situation into a battle royale.

So, to those who feel that honesty is a virtue, I say. Bullshit. I am going to call absolute and total bullshit.

I am so tired of giving in and giving way. I am so tired of giving and giving and receiving nothing but ridicule and mistrust and poison in return. When will it end? When will all of this be over?

I have no answers. I can only hope that within time all answers will reveal themselves. One thing I DO believe in? Time heals all wounds. By healing, I don't mean erases them. It just smooths the rough edges. I am cursed with a weird memory for conversations that I hold onto for pretty much ever. So, I know that grudges can be held and distrust is inevitable. There are those who prefer to live their lives in a constant state of mistrust and misappropriated guilt. I am choosing to rise above it this time. I've spoke my piece and said how I feel. I am not responsible for someone's inability to realize the truth even when it's spoken to them.

It hurts and it's depressing, but I can't make someone SEE what they don't want to SEE. It's just like in The Mortal Instruments and in The Percy Jackson series. The mist is powerful and doesn't just affect how someone sees the mortal world, it affects their ability to see beyond what they believe as well.

Somehow, I've got to just keep on moving and focus on myself for once.

K

256-254

I'm not entirely sure how its possible, but I've lost myself.

There was once a girl who had everything figured out. She knew where she was going and what she was going to do there.

Then a person came into her life who irrevocably changed her forevermore.

Now that confident, fun-loving girl is gone.

No one wishes more than I that she could find her way back, but the truth is, this isn't possible.

It's time to find someone new.

K