346

It's New Year's Eve, and my plans for the evening include: sitting at home all by myself with nothing to do, nothing to read and noone to share it with. My son abandoned me to My Gramma's house, and I haven't heard hide nor tail of my friend who normally at least asks me what I'm doing. Sad isn't it? Trust me, I'm used to getting no kiss. I've actually only EVER gotten one Midnite Kiss, and its starting to occur to me that I might still have issues when it comes to that person. I Definitely need to get over THAT. Anyhow, I hope everyone has a safe and Happy new years. I'm going to be doing a whole lot of nothing. Sad Sad Sad.



Lots of Love,
Kristi

347

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. Yeah, I’m sure no one is surprised. That seems to be my anthem. I’m notoriously pessimistic and sarcastic in my day-to-day life. I’m 29 years old. I’m living in this time-warp inside my head that pretends to be still 19 or maybe 21. Whichever suits you. The point is…I haven’t been living my life, I’ve been surviving it. That is NOT how you should go through your life. Just going from day to day and not really experiencing the gift we’ve been given. There are so many things that I am not sure of, life, death, faith. However, with that said, should I hide inside my head and not experience the things I could be experiencing?

 

NO!!!! Now listen, I KNOW that life is what you make of it, but I also know that money makes the world go ‘round. As much as most people don’t want to agree with me( and that’s fine because every single thing I write here is 100% my opinion and what I’m thinking at the time) it’s the truth. When I have money, which is rare, I feel more balanced and more in tune with myself. Its because I’m not freaking out that I only have $6 in the bank and when I say $6 I literally mean $6. I have no savings, no bonds, no anything. If I only have $6 then that is truly all I have. So is it that I just need to win the lottery? OF COURSE!!! Duh what was I thinking. Absolutely, let me just get right on that. Come on now people, if I could just win the lottery that would be great. I’m a smart girl, I could totally keep my job and never feel that panic ever again.

 

(sigh) Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If we could all just win a lottery or something along those lines would’nt that just jump-start this ridiculous economy that everyone keeps talking about? Its too bad that isn’t an option. We are stuck in the endless cycle that is pretty much the same as, I believe, most people live in. Go to work, pay the bills you can pay and do what you can to survive. It’s the first step in surviving instead of thriving. In going through the motions and EXPERIENCING the life you have.

 

It’s wrong. Its never going to be the life you want if you aren’t experiencing the things you want to experience. Ever since I graduated from high school I feel like I’ve been lost. I’ve been adrift in the sea of life just waiting to be rescued. How stupid is that?!?! If you’re lost at sea and you need to be rescued…what is the first thing you should do? Find any and all ways to attempt to rescue yourself. At least that’s how I see it. Find land, light a fire, get provisions, ANYTHING. Don’t just sit on that log floating along in the ocean. Something is going to get you and either slowly eat away at everything you are, or gobble you up right quick and destroy your life. Being sedentary, being a pawn in your own life just allows other people to make you who you are. I firmly believe that everyone that touches you definitely AFFECTS who you become, but they don’t make you. Remember that? THEY DO NO MAKE YOU!!!! They can shape who you are and affect decisions you make, but ultimately you make your own choices. It’s the beauty of free will.

 

Free will is a concept that I confess I have a problem with. I am not always someone who thinks that there is more than one choice. People are always saying “there’s always a choice” I mean its in like every book and every movie about life decisions. I always want to scream at the book or the tv and say NO THERE ISNT!!!!! There’s only one VIABLE option. And there you have it folks, the kicker. “They” are right. There is always a choice, but it’s a matter or whether or not that choice is the right one for you. Even if it doesn’t feel like much of a choice, you can still choose right or wrong. Its like fates little joke. Who are YOU going to be Kristi? What type of person are YOU going to be today? Every single day we are faced with decisions that have that ripple effect for the rest of your life. It’s a kick in the damn gut.

 

Once again this post is haphazard and most likely confusing to anyone but me, but hey, I’m the only one reading it so its good. When I look back on this next year it will be good to see if I feel a little different then.

 

So today I leave you with this, Please, don’t just live your life.Experience it. Find a way to enjoy the moments you have and don’t just go from one day to the next with nothing in between. Before you know it, you approach the end and then you have to do something with a  bucket list. Its depressing and sad. So, join me in changing my own damn life. 21 days today with 2 or less Mt Dews/day. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can do something before that 347 days turns into 1.

 

 

Much Love,

Kristi

348

So, I watched all the Die Hard movies yesterday. I must’ve been in the mood. Do you ever get that way? Get sucked into a movie or a show and can just watch them over and over again? That happens to me all the stinkin’ time. If I go to the movie rental store I’ll always end up renting like 10 movies and watching all of them. Or, when there’s a new series out that I havent seen? Forget about it, I have to watch every episode until my eyes are literally as heavy as iron blankets. It’s a condition I think I should get examined.

 

So, back to my original remarks. I watched all four Die Hard movies yesterday. It reminds me how much I love Bruce Willis. For the fact that he is NOT, let me repeat that NOT that attractive of a man, he makes himself DAMN SEXY in those movies. Don’t even get me started on the 5^th Element (he looks awful but is soooo attractive.) His character is such a smartass asshole wannabe. He’s not really a jerk, he just is a strong, opinionated man who knows who he is and what he’s comfortable doing. However, one thing I did notice was how much the technology and filming has changed with movies in the past 20 years.  Just watching Die Hard With a Vengeance and then watching Live Free or Die Hard? Shoot it was like night and day. Still all great movies and easy to enjoy, but its odd how things that might have scared me back then no longer would even be able to affect me. Makes me wonder if some old classic movies that were considered scary before, I could now watch. As those who know me are aware, I am a HUGE baby. I cannot handle ANYTHING scary, not even the previews. Who knows, maybe I’m just having a huge crisis of personality today. I am feeling a bit strange? (sigh) Oh well, this was a just as remarkably sporadic post as all the others. At least I’m consistent. Happy Thursday Everyone.

 

Much Love,

Kristi

349

Another day, another dollar. Oh wait I have no dollars. Lol so, tomorrow my parents are going on vacation to Florida and I'm going to miss my mom like crazy. I really hate it when she's not around. Its awful. I think most of it is selfish, since she helps me so much. The other is just that I talk to my mom every day. I don't like her being gone.

So what should I ask her to bring me back? Sweatshirt? Jacket? I dunno. I'll have to think about it.

Happy hump day
Kristi

350

I can't believe I failed yesterday. I was lazy all day, but then last night I was hit by the most painful stomach cramps ever. I think it threw me off. awful. So now its a new day. Blah

352

Merry Christmas!

353

It's Christmas Eve and I am just all over the place today, but I'm kind of feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm in my house right now cooking up some yummies for tomorrow by special request. I've not wrapped anything for Wyatt and I don't have a present for my nephew, but I tell you what I feel better today. Feet are still killing me and I still have a bald spot on my forehead, but hey its Christmas Eve by God and I think my baby is really going to be super excited today!!

Was tempted last night to have an extra Mt Dew but did NOT give in. Officially 15 days only drinking 2 per day. Way to go Me!!!

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Much Love,
Kristi

354-Annoyance

I have never intended for this blog to be a bitter diatribe toward one single person. Nor for it to be the place where I bash my son's father. His actions and issues have a lot to do with the person I am today, but I thought I was bigger than that. However, after the most ridiculous thing set off my rather impressive temper, I felt that I needed to get this off my chest and its not like anyone is actually reading this blog anyways. This here is my son. You can't get much cuter than he is. The reality of Wyatt is that he truly is an interesting child. He has so much love in him to give and he really does freely give it. What I dont understand is why a man who has 5 natural children and two step-children, cannot find the time to be the father he should be to this wonderful boy. Wyatt is 7 now and he really notices the lack of interest and compassion from his father. Yes, Wyatt's dad is not a bastard or a terrible person, he's just not what he should/could be. I'm tired of the games and the frustration he causes me. He has 2 other mother's to deal with and I know they certainly don't put up with this bullshit. He can't be bothered to respond to me or ever let me know what the FUCK is going on. I bend over backward for that man to keep the peace and just make everyone's lives easier. The thanks that I get is a lack of interest in my child. He pretends well, he always has, but in reality he takes him no more than the obligatory every other weekend and Wednesdays. Funny thing about that, Wyatt never EVER gets any alone time with his Dad. He is lumped in with his sisters ( of which he has 6) and therefore doesn't feel special at all.

Someone please tell me why, when asked what time he was picking up his son, the response I got via text message was "Y" you got it folks, that was literally it. What a fucking JOKE!!!! Ugh. Can you maybe try just a little bit harder to actually show some interest in your child and maybe to NOT be a gigantic fucking asshole? I would really appreciate that. Thanks so much.

On a brighter note....14 days on my weaning from Mt Dew and I'm still holding strong at 2 per day.

Have a fabulous day.

Kristi

355

I didnt forget. While technically it is tomorrow, I am still awake from today so I'm counting this as today's post. I am still convicted. As of tomorrow it will be a full two weeks with me not drinking so much Mt Dew and drinking coffee, tee and other things instead. I find it annoying and frustrating and I dont even know if its going to help me or not. (sigh) Well, anyhow I have so many great things in my life. I need to start remembering that.

Til Then
Kristi

356

I want my life to be different. That is a major reason that I am doing this daily posting. It holds me accountable for the promises I make myself.  I am very curious what the next year of my life will bring. I know that I have to change some things. I'm working on it. As of today I've gone 12 days only drinking two bottles of mt dew per day. Now, I know that may not seem like a lot, but for a girl who drank 4+ per day its a huge accomplishment. I'm going to have a good year. Maybe if I keep putting it here in black and white I'll start believing it.
Much love,
Kristi

357

Today was Wyatt's Winter Program. It was adorable. Seriously sometimes that kid just makes me smile. He can sure be an ass, but wow when he's charming he's really charming.

Makes me wish I was a better mom.

358

Today I unloaded a lot of feelings on my friend. I don't know what got into me. I'm just so fed up with struggling everyday. Its depressing and makes me hate my life.

I do appreciate what I have. I know I have a lot more than other people. I just have always had this problem. I'm hoping against hope that next year is a better year for Kristi Lynn Harvey. Keep you fingers crossed.

Much Love,
Kristi

359

I almost failed. It looks like I failed, but I swear I didnt. I had the best conversation with a friend of mine last night. He made me laugh, made me smile and made me feel good about myself. It was interesting and nice.

I've been having all of these epiphanies lately. I really do want to change my life. Let's make that 9 days with only 2 bottles of Mt Dew per day. for me that is HUGE!!!!

359 days til 30. Am I on the mend or am I just setting myself up to fail? I guess we'll see.

Much Love,
Kristi

360

I'm in such a bad mood today I can hardly stand it. I'm so frustrated about everything. I wish I had a million dollars and I wish everything was different.
K

Frustration

Wyatt-When he ISN'T acting like the Devil's Spawn

Can I please just have a day where I'm not disappointed or frustrated? I mean...really? I am really starting to feel like a terrible Mom. My son is soooo lazy. All he ever wants to do is play games (any kind) or watch tv. He has absolutely no desire to read, no desire to sing or listen to music. None. Ever single thing in my life that gives me joy he hates. I know that you cant expect your kids to like what you like, I'm prepared for him to like really shitty music and crappy horror movies, but this is just getting to be too much. I want so much more for him than what I've got or what his Dad became. He doesnt give a shit. He's only 7 and he truly just wants to do nothing but play. He doesnt understand responsibility or not always getting your way. He doesnt appreciate anything. I hate it. I swear he's so damn spoiled. Nothing helps.

I spent the past 30-45 minutes going over his spelling words with him, why so long, you ask? Because no matter how many times I would tell him how to properly spell a word he couldn't do it. He kept spelling it wrong. I'm soooooo sick of this. Why, if I was going to be left alone for the rest of my life, couldn't God have at least given me a child who was as smart as me? I know how that sounds, I'm perfectly aware it isnt PC to say such a thing. Well, too damn bad. Its true. I want my son to have things come easier. Why couldn't he be just a smidge more like me? I honestly can't remember a time that something like reading or spelling was hard for me. Math, yes, I remember that being difficult. It makes me so angry. I just get so fed up that he doesn't even try. You have to understand that he CAN do it. Its just that he is too damn lazy to try. I'll tell you this much, if it was something he cared about he would remember it word for word. I know how his mind works and I've tried to get him to not be lazy and nothing I do works. NOTHING. I want him to be happy but this is driving me insane. See, I'm a terrible Mom. The only consolation I have is that I do everything in my life to make sure he is taken care of to the best of my ability. Maybe I need to try harder.I'm just so frustrated. Wish me luck I guess. I do love my son, and I'm sad that we can't share this little piece of life. Its such a hard lesson to learn that your child will never be what you thought in your head and pushing them that way just kills their spirit. (sigh)

Wyatt and I-When we aren't trying to kill each other. See we do love one another!!This is proof!!

Until Tomorow,
Kristi

361

I think I am a bad person. I mean what is wrong with me? I just let things happen all the time. Its a problem.
Sigh I guess I just have to accept my faults.
More on that later.
Kristi
P.s. I didn't fail today!!

362

Can I please go back to bed? This week has been exhausting and it isn't even over yet. The lice incident has me completely freaked out. I swear I think those little bastards are everywhere. I know they probably aren't but it freaks me out.
I'm still feeling sick, better than earlier in the week, but not 100%. I'm not sure what the plan is here, I'm going one day at a time, but so far I'm keeping my promise. Maybe I'll write something more substantial later.
Much Love,
Kristi

363

Lice. My son has lice. It is incredibly disgusting and so hard to get rid of. I want going to share that on here, but I figure everyone has there experiences with it. But can I please catch a break? I'm deathly ill then Wyatt gets lice?wtf. On a brighter note, I didn't fail again today. Yippee!!
Back to the trenches
Kristi

364

So, I didn't fail again today. Even if the content is unimaginative, doesn't matter. I'm actually following through on something and that makes me happy. So, I signed up Wyatt for Cub Scouts last week. He was sooooo excited. I went today to buy his uniform and such. Holy Shit BSA your stuff costs a bajillion dollars. Omg. However, with that said I have to tell you that my son is going to be adorable in uniform. Wow!!
I am hoping that this sickness goes away soon, I'm tired of being miserable. Happy Tuesday people!!
Much Love,
Kristi

Grimm vs Once Upon a Time

You do the math, same medium completely different takes. I know that a lot of people are saying its the same thing, but it is NOT. I have fallen in love with both. Obviously, I've got a preference because I dont normally like scary stuff, even if it is fluffy scary stuff. Anyhow, I only recently started watching Once Upon a Time and I have to say that I absolutely LOVE it!!! I've found that almost every single thing with Ginnifer Goodwin, I enjoy. She's adorable and sweet and believable as Snow White/Mary Margaret Blanchard. I'm incredibly entertained by the whole series. Grimm is depressing and yet interesting. I hope that both series can outlast the test of ratings. I really do enjoy them both.

Much Love,
Kristi

314

BTW!!!!this day sucks. Going to bed early.Blah

Addition: I want to go the the Milwaukee Irish Fest and see Gaelic Storm again.

365 Days of Change: The Big 3 -OH Project.

Just another idea/project/thing that I will fail miserably at finishing So, just like the title says, I'm sure as I'm not getting any younger, I will most likely fail to complete the task I am about to set forth for myself, but you know the next 365 days could really put a spin on my life. There are a lot of people who get to age 30 and it doesn't even affect them. I however, am feeling the fast sprint toward that end line like the black plague on Europe. I don't want it. I don't like where I'm at. Its disheartening and remarkably depressing to discover where you are and to find that its not at ALL the place you wanted to be. So, I'm taking stock. I had already decided this year that I would stop breaking promises with myself. If you can't keep your word to yourself, then who CAN you keep your word to? Basically, at the beginning of 2011 I made a promise to myself that if I lost 30 lbs I would then get my hair cut. Well, that definitely did NOT happen. I was unwilling to change many different areas of my life and so I failed. However, I did not break the promise. My hair is still growing.

Hi, my name is Kristi, I am seriously overweight and I have some seriously large issues. My new brilliant idea, which we all agree isn't brilliant because I will probably give up after about 2 days. UGH I really do hate that about myself. I never finish anything. Anyhow, not only am I overweight, but I have many other things I'd like to change about myself. I'm very unhealthy. I have attitude issues, I get depressed easily and well, this is it. I turned 29 years old today. December 11, 2011. I have 365 days to change my life before I turn the dreaded 3 OH. So here and now I'd like to challenge myself to change my life. This time next year, I'd like to have met the goals set forth below. I'm writing them out and perhaps when I look back in 365 days, maybe it wont be as bad as I think. So, I'm going to challenge myself to do quite a few things. Even if the dreams aren't accomplished then I want that documented as well. Here are the challenges: To write on this blog every single day over the next 365 days. Even if its just a "hello, I ate ham sandwiches today." It will be a very interesting thing to read my life in retrospect. So that is my challenge. The other challenges are more dares and desires. They are my hopes and dreams for before I turned 30. Everyone knows what bucket list is, this is my 3 OH list. I'm sure I'll keep adding more as the days go on.


1. Lose at lease 30 lbs
2. Cut back to 1 Mt Dew/day.
3. Visit and stand in the Ocean, preferably somewhere in California
4. Take better care of my body. Put on lotion every day, start caring what I look like again.
5. Get the house completely ready for the possibility of remodel. Try to be more neat. Make the house presentable. Try to be more like Mom.
6. ...and so many more.

I really want to try this. I turned 29 today, and no, it is NOT the end of the world, but it is the end of the Kristi Lynn of today. Starting now, starting this minute I want things to change. I know that it is NOT going to happen overnight. I know that I'm one of the most stubborn mule-headed people there is, but I cant keep going like this. I HAVE to make a change. I'm hoping by making this change as part of my birthday and the thought of turning 30 instead of as a new year's resolution, that I might not fail as quickly.

Kristi Lynn, Be strong, Be wise. Be OK. You need to do something to change your life. You cant keep going on like you are. Wyatt is 7 years old and you cant even walk down the street with him. You're grouchy all the time and it isnt supposed to be like this. Little steps, in the right direction, are still steps. Let's give this a whirl because God knows we've tried everything else. So far, you've held yourself accountable. Its time to keep it up. Change your life, Change it and see what happens over the next 365 days.

Something's got to give.

With Love,
Kristi Lynn

Review of "Heart's Blood" by Juliet Marillier

Well, I thought I'd foray into something I've never done before. After all, this blog is just for myself anyways right? Right. So, a friend of mine loaned me a book of hers with the recommendation that I read it. Um ...duh! She loves this particular author and thought this book was "a beautiful story." Believe it or not it sat on my shelf for close to 4 months, an unheard of act when it comes to new books in my house. I just couldn't muster up the desire to read it. I mean you know how some books whisper to you and beg you to pick them up and read them, thoroughly devour them and get lost in the story? ( I swear I'm not crazy) Well, this one didn't. Anyhow, I have now completed her suggested book and will heretofore provide my thoughts on said book. :)

Kristi's Review of Heart's Blood by Juliet Marillier: There are SPOILERS
Just a few things quick, its a historical paranormal fiction story. It takes place in Ireland I'm thinking thousands of years ago. Caitrin is our heroine and Anluan the hero. It boils down to a strange and yet different mixture of Beauty and the Beast with twists of Lord of the Rings and other well-known sci-fi/fantasy adventures thrown in for good measure.

Short version: I liked it. I didn't absolutely adore it, but I definitely enjoyed reading it. I'd give it 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Long Version: I liked it, but wow were there areas I found remarkably annoying. Let me start off by saying that I really enjoy period piece's set in Ireland. I'm a huge Ireland fan. However, if you are going to put names in your story that the average human being will NOT be able to pronounce, please include a glossary of phonetic pronunciations. I just hate not knowing if the voices in my head are saying it correctly. I did trudge on though, making up names if I had to. So to the story, Anluan's people in the land of Whistling Tor are pretty much under a curse. They've been plagued by what is known as "the host" for almost a hundred years. If the host leaves Whistling Tor ( tor also being a hill of sorts) dire things happen and many lives are taken. The Chieftain of the hill at the time is responsible for keeping the host under control. Anluan, is of course, the chieftain. Anluan is afflicted by the tragedy of his father's alleged suicide and also from permanent damage to his right side from seizures as a child. This was a bit much for me, but also what contributed to the knowledge that this "story" was based on the Beauty and the Beast fairytale. Needless to say, girl falls in love with boy, boy is difficult and surly until one day voila she's wonderful and amazing and changes his life. Isn't that always the way? Caitrin changes Anluan's life and demeanor and convinces him to rally the troops (the Host and townsfolk together) for a fight to the death against the Normans. (English I'm supposing) Due to his worry for Caitrin, he turns mean to her and sends her away, she of course believes him in true Historical Heroine fashion, and goes away to her home to live her life and blah blah. Caitrin reunites with her sister who's husband has died and who now has a little baby to raise on her own. They get back their home from an evil relative who sought to discredit Caitrin by demeaning and having her son beat her. Caitrin has a vision of Anluan under attack and has to go back to Whistling Tor.

So, hopefully I didn't give away to many spoilers, even though I know noone is reading this. I just want to say after re-reading what I wrote that I make it seem like I didnt enjoy the story. I apologize for that, because this truth is that I did like the story, it kept me interested enough to complete it in 2-3 sittings. Its just that I have to call it like I read it and this is definitely Fluff Stuff. Neat re-telling of a classic story and nothing too disturbing or horrible about it. There were some even nice twists. I was very happy about Emer( pronounced ayv-er, see what I mean?) and Gearróg. So, read the story if you're in for a fun bit of fluff that will make you smile and occasionally laugh out loud. However, I suggest you visit this page http://www.julietmarillier.com/books/hbpronunciationguide.html for help with pronunciation.

Cheers,
Kristi

The Truth About Truth

No. No. No. No. No. I don't care how many times you ask me. I don't care how many people claim to be. I don't even care if I've "played" the victim. Its all a lie. The TRUTH WILL NOT SET YOU FREE. I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I'm the first person that's ever told you that. I'm sorry if you feel as if the following words are just said in spite or because of hatred. I'm sorry that if you are that person you've deluded yourself into thinking the way the rest of society (American Society anyways) wants you to think.

Here's the harsh, bitter reality folks: Honesty is the best policy= Biggest lie you've ever heard. Its soooooo funny to me that the people spouting that lie are the ones living out the best double lives. The people who are telling you to be truthful and that lies are against nature, are full of SHIT. What group of people can you name that are always seeming to spout the virtues of honesty? Can you think of a few groups? I can think of at least 3 off the top of my head.
1.Politicians
2.Priests/Ministers/Any Religious affiliations
3.Teachers/Schools
4.HR Departments
5.Car Repair shops of any kind.

More on that later...

Why?

I've been having the absolute schizophrenia of schizophrenic conversations with myself lately. I know I know, crazy talk is simply that, crazy talk. But seriously? Why do I do these things to myself. I met someone who truly couldnt have been more perfect for me. Yes, there were things about him that were not perfect, but what he said and what he did was so refreshing for me. I felt happy for the first time in forever and what did I do? I FUCKED it up, of course. I just cant let well enough alone. I think in the grand reality of things I am a good person. I love making people happy and making them feel better. I'm so tired of seeing someone who has completely and totally destroyed my life, going through as if there is nothing to feel badly about or anything. He gets everything handed to him and he gets to just keep going and be happy pretty much forever.

Why is that? He gets to screw over every single person that he comes into contact with and I get to do nothing. I just get to deal with the consequence of my mistake from here on out. Its NOT fair. Now, I know that I must have done something truly awful in one of my past lives, my sister says I killed Jesus. I dont know, but I have the worst luck of anyone I know. And really Cosmos? Sagittarians are supposed to be lucky for crying out loud. Its ridiculous really. So, Dan gets to have a fabulous life, get married to a GREAT person and live happily ever after. (so, fyi does his sister who is also NOT such a great person) Now, what do I get to do? I get to struggle every single day for nothing. I get to be alone and lonely every single day. I get to keep getting older and older with no silver lining coming anytime soon in my cloud-strewn sky. I'm not healthy. I'm overweight (uhh duh) I'm miserable all the time and here I am writing this down and if anyone were to ever come across it they would just wonder why I'm such a freaking whiner. I am a whiner. But what the hell am I supposed to do to make it different?

I've tried so many different things and with 30 looming on the horizon I'm not sure I can handle it. 30. The year that so many of us dread with every fiber of our being. I dont want to be 30. I dont want to be old. I dont want my life to continue to be as depressing as it has been all these long years. What have I accomplished? What can I say about myself? What is it exactly that I have going for me?

Oh that's right, the one thing I used to be able to do reasonably well, sing, I can barely do anymore and soooo many people do so much better than me. I am irrational about communication and I like things to be my way all the damn time. Let's see what else? I'm soooo not attractive and yet I am extremely judgemental. I have no right to be judgemental. I have no right to be any way really. But I am know I am on this downword spiral forever and I thought I'd finally found the thing that was going to get me out of it. I thought I had found him. The guy I could bring into my life and finally bring home to my family. But no. He ran away scared, because lets face it. When forced to confront the idea of spending eternity with Kristi Lynn Harvey, who wouldnt run? Yes, this is probably the most depressing journal-like entry I've ever done, but I just cant stop typing. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this all the time. And I definitely have things to be greatful for, but I just dont effing care right now. I am mad and sad and disappointed in my life and I'm tired of feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And why for God's sake, since I"m on this rant anyways, do men who are attached and by no means can be an active part of my life, find me so damn attractive? Why is it, that they flock to me to give them the sexual gratification that they cant seem to find at "home?"

Just explain these things to me oh void. Just tell me why my life has turned out the way it is. I dont understand it. I dont WANT to be this way. I dont WANT to be sad all the time and feel like I've failed my life. I've failed as a person and I've officially lost. I've lost my ability to do any damn thing about it.

I hate my life.

The End.

BLAH

Oh life. Why must you smite me so? I have long believed that I have terrible karma. I think I bring it upon myself sometimes. However, with that being said. I'd just like to say I want it to STOP.

P.S. I've started WW with the new Points Plus program. I went strong for 2 weeks and lost weight, the past 2 weeks however, I've....failed miserably. I was just hungry all the damn time. But I weigh entirely too much to not do something about this situation I've found myself in. We are planning a vacation to Florida in November. I have to have lost weight by then.

Okay that was a random enough blogspot. lol

Happy Monday!!!

Oh void...

What is it that makes a person successful? What makes it so that some people reach their dreams and succeed while others fall by the wayside and completely lose hope and touch with the quasi-reality they thought they would have?

I have to tell you I honestly don't know, because I'm one of the lost.....