Broken

I'm feeling broken. So incredibly confused and frustrated with myself. This blog turned into something so sad and depressing. I didn't want that to happen. I never wanted to be the Debbie Downer. I mean honestly, who does? Who wants to constantly bring down everyone around them? Unless of course, they are a vindictive sonofabitch.

Its been brought to my attention that I am severely lacking in quite a few areas. I've let people down or even become slightly offensive. I don't wanna be that way. At the same time. I'm completely wasting my life. On what you ask? On responsibility. I absolutely hate every single part of this life.

I am nowhere that I thought i would be. I'm nothing like I thought I'd evolve into and I certainly am nothing special. However, my hands are tied. So, the moral of the story is, Suck it Up Buttercup. You reap what you sow and I've sown my lot.

71

Obviously this year has been much less motivated than last year. I haven't felt like writing at all. Today, however I decided to write. My best friend for over 23 years is getting married this Saturday. Her wedding was a huge part of my motivation to make myself look better and feel better. I just didnt want to be her fat best friend at her wedding. Well, too late now. So, I'm just going to do my best to be as presentable as possible.

I'm resigned to the reality that is my life. At least for the moment.

I do want to share something here though. Just to maybe boost my positivity a bit. One thing I've always felt really great about is music. I'm really good with music. How it affects people what songs work where and just in general. I think it would be awesome to just create playlists for people as a job. I put so much effort and thought into each and every song. So, just for fun I'm going to include in this post the playlist I made for her Bachelorette party. Maybe someone will enjoy it. There was one playlist that was given to each guest on a CD to take home with them. The other was just for listening all day/night during activities.

Ashley's Bachelorette Party Playlist-Guest CD:
1. Always Be My Baby-Mariah Carey
2. Cheers (Drink to That)-Rihanna
3. Hey Baby-Bruce Channel
4. Lights- Ellie Goulding
5. Sukiyaki- 4 pm
6. On the Floor- Jennifer Lopez
7. My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)- En Vogue
8. Somebody That I used to Know-Gotye
9. Hold On-Wilson Phillips
10. Girl On Fire-Alicia Keys
11. Mercy-Duffy
12. We Got the Beat-Go-Gos
13. I Love It-Icona Pop
14. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-Greg Laswell
15. Holy Grail-Jay-Z (feat. Justin Timberlake)
16. Let's Stay Together-Maroon 5
17. No Diggity- Blackstreet
18. A Thousand Years-Christina Perri
19. We Belong- Pat Benatar
20. Marry Me- Train
21. You Belong to Me-Jason Wade

108 days

There are 108 days until I am 31. I haven't written anything on here in over a month and before that it was so sparse that really it didnt count.

Do you ever have those moments when you realize you are the societal equivalent of a terrible person?


I am a terrible person. I am ruled by my emotions and my desires and truly wish things could be different.

I am tired of always being "That Girl" it's an awful feeling that I shoudl never have to experience, and yet I experience it every single day.

131

Life is passing by. I'm not motivated to do much of anything. I'm frustrated and sad and just disappointed all the time.

I bought a new car two weeks ago. It's a 2013 Nissan Rogue. I like it. Now I just wish I could find a new place to live.

Need to win the lottery.

Oh and East Coast is still around just don't know for how long.

151

I know I've been really lacking this year. It's just been one disappointment after another. 

I didn't get something I was wishing and hoping to get, I haven't  found something  I was sure I had and honestly I'm just really disappointed in people.

I'm so sorry. 

K

177-166

I've been MIA lately. I apologize. I've just not had much to say.

I hope to have some good news shortly.

K

179-178

Kristi Lynn. You need to get yourself in check. 

Times they are a changing. You need to change with them.

Ok, that's all for tonight.

K

181&180

Nothing super important or revealing to say today. So, I just think I'll share a few pics.

182

Hello again,

I know I can't believe I'm here two days in a row either. hahah HOWEVER!!!! There's a reason. I cannot believe that I missed the first five episodes of SYTCD?? How did I NOT know that it had started already?

Moving on, I have SERIOUSLY missed this show. It always always inspires me to want to dance. This season though, something WEIRD is totally happening. I almost cry at so many of the performances. I mean honestly, I am NOT a crier. You'd think if I was going to cry about something it'd be my whole 'foot' situation. Nope, I'm practically bawling like a baby over these amazing dancers. Its times like these I'm so thankful we live in America where at least for some people, dreams do still come true. I'm astounded at the talent and dedication these people put into their art.

I am now all caught up on the shows and will get to watch the newest episode (which aired tonight) tomorrow on lunch break, obviously because I don't have any sort of cable/dish so I watch it on my computer. :) What can I say, we've gone 6 years without it and still going strong.

I just wanted to share that the show inspires me. It truly truly does. I did YOGA tonight after getting all caught up on the episodes because I really want to get back on my getting fitter wagon. I've been feeling so sorry for myself lately and just worn down. Its time to at least PRETEND, if to noone but myself right here on this blog, that I have a goal and I think that maybe I could reach it.

Chin up, Kristi Lynn.

p.s. I really do have the best friend in the entire world. Just wanted to share that little tidbit.

Cheers! ~K

184&183

So, I believe the change I need is probably not ready to be a part of my life yet. Or maybe I'm just not ready to b a part of it.

I've found something recently that make me smile and even gives me that feeling of 'happy' albeit I haven't truly tested the theory. I'm just pretty sure I've got about 8 more years before this is a possibility and at that point it won't be the same.

So I guess what I'm saying is enjoy those little moments of happy and don't let anyone take them. They can be few and far between and should be enjoyed whenever possible before life punches you in the face.

K

192-185

I think I may have given up. This isn't just a plateau I've hit, it's a never-ending purgatory. Seriously it's insane.

I've definitely given up hope that I'll look good in anything at Ashley's wedding. The best I can hope for is not the fat chick and not ugly.

Boooooo

In case people can't tell I'm totally feeling sorry for myself lately. I just need a change.

197-192

Here I am again with nothing to write. I've been slacking so much lately that I haven't written anything, but the truth is here I am again with nothing to say, or maybe it's nothing to share. I just don't know.

This year was supposed to be such a good year. So many good things were supposed to happen.

Yet, here it is June and so far nothing but awful things have happened. So I'd like to appeal to the Emperor of the Universe.

It's time. 

200&199

Sometimes I really wonder why my mind works the way it does.  I mean sometimes I wish it would just shut up!

202&201

I'm not sure if I'm changing or if people are changing. It's been a bit  surreal.

206-203

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!! Will someone trade places with me for a week please?

211-207

The Vampire Diaries season finale was amazing. I confess I've been really disappointed with the whole season 4 but the season finale? Best yet by FAR!!!! Oh my God people I was squealing and stomping like a 13 year old girl.

I don't care if you aren't a fan of the show, there are some things that can just make you happy. A well written, tremendously performed hour of escape is well worth a nod.

Of course, it makes you wish and want even more, but I suppose that just comes with the territory of being me.

Anyhow, on a little side note that thing I said I wanted desperately the other day? The one where I even asked you ( whomever you may be) to work your voo-doo magic on? Well, I fear it isn't going to come to fruition.

I just have a sense that I need to stop dreaming about it and try to figure out a way to live in the now as best I can. I co fess it's getting harder and harder as Wyatt hates living here now too.

It's all very depressing. Sorry!! I know I said I'd try hard not to be such a Debbie Downer.

Perhaps I'm putting the cart before the horse. I haven't been given the final 'No' yet. I'll for sure keep you posted though.

Cheers,

Kristi 

216-212

I have been so LAX with this blog lately. Not nearly as hard on myself or as determined to write every day like last year. Of course, last year was the descent to 30, so to speak, and I was really trying to accomplish something.

I really and truly thought this year was going to be a good one. I just had really high hopes for good prospects and just expected good outcomes to occur. It turns out that it's been an emotional roller coaster and a laundry list of more things to work on.

This is probably a reality for so many people. Consider this: everyone has something that they need to work on and probably feel like they've been gypped or have it harder than everyone else. So, with that said, I am fully aware that my son and I should consider ourselves lucky that we have so much. Lucky that both of us have enough food to eat. Enough food that both of us are on the overweight side of things. I have been trying to instill a little bit of gratitude in Wyatt lately and some other "manner" type things and it does appear to be sinking in a little bit.

Anyhow, as much as I'm aware that I need to be grateful, I also have to say that living in a apartment is no longer something I wish to tolerate. I'm tired of living the lives of 3 other renters. I'm tired of being surrounded by idiots or assholes. I'm so sick of not being able to listen to music as loud as I'd like. I hate smelling other people's dinners, which generally smell absolutely atrocious.

It's official. After almost 6 years of apartment living, especially with a small child, I'm OVER IT!!!! I used to think I had the best landlords in the world because they were so nice and really they let me pay them the Friday I get paid, instead of always on the first of the month. This has helped me tremendously in the past. However, I must say that if I'm really going to be responsible for doing everything myself, why don't I just find a house?

The answer, my friends, is that houses for rent are ASTROMICAL!!! I mean outrageously priced ridiculousness. I just can't do it anymore. I've got to find a way to get out of this situation and yet, I fear at this particular juncture, it's not an option.


If anyone stumbles upon this blog post or just accidentally is reading this, I ask you to do whatever you do...i.e. cross your fingers, say a prayer, skyclad chanting, whichever it is you do, lend me your thoughts for a minute in the hopes that you will assist me in something that I am desperately hoping will happen, but will not say/write/text/email etc etc out loud until I know for sure that it won't happen. In other words, please say a prayer that a house falls in my lap. Or send me a spell to bolster my thoughts so that if I "see it and think it" it will come true. ;)

Sure, it could just bee hoo-doo, voo-doo craziness, but I DO believe in jinxes and let me tell you, I have the worst luck EVER!!! I am still bound and determined to get the things I want and feel Wyatt and I need. I am hoping by this time next year, we will live somewhere that is better for us all-around.



Here's hoping!!

K

217

Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about how I'm going to end up in the fields of asphodel. :( makes for bad dreams.

219-218

Every once in awhile you have to take stock and remember that at least you aren't the craziest person you know. :)

K

228-220

So, I've been trying really hard NOT to give up on my body. I even did what you're supposed to do when you're in pain or having problems. I went to the doctor. He basically didn't help me at all. It's ridiculously depressing.

I just want my feet to work properly.

:(

230 & 229

So, since I've been on the extreme depression mode lately, I"m going to try to change it a up a bit and just give you guys one of my playlists to listen to.

A friend of mine randomly sends me suggestions for music to listen to, this playlist was inspired by him. Thanks Chuck!!!


This playlist is aptly called, Chuck's Influence:

All Around Me- Flyleaf

Bittersweet Memories- Bullet for My Valentine

Bully- Shinedown

Help Is On the Way- Rise Against

Hesitate-Stone Sour

Howlin' For You- The Black Keys

I Need a Doctor-Dr Dre feat. Eminem & Skylar Grey

The Kill- 30 Seconds To Mars

Make It Stop (September's Children)- Rise Against

Old Man- Redlight King

Satellite- Rise Against

Say You'll Haunt Me- Stone Sour

These Days- Food Fighters

238-231

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. Clearly no one has noticed, which is fine, I just haven't been in a sharing mood.

My body is giving up on me and its gotten to the point where I just can't deal with it. I'm coming across as this super depressed whiny person and I hate it.

I just wish I could take a break from my life.

K

241-239

I need a break. Anyone want to trade places?

242

We are heading into the middle of April 2013, I just had a very surreal night Friday night. Hung out with some people I haven't seen in over a decade. I found myself feeling so inadequate. I know that's Ridiculous. I also know that we all have to live our own lives. It's very difficult to separate the sad and the, I'm not sure how to put it, but I guess you could call it
Depression. I'm really just not sure what to call it. I have always been the least intelligent of those group of people. It was just interesting to be reminded of that.

I think that I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with my life. We all know that I have been beating myself up for over year longer probably. So, I think at this point it's just going to be about me making some Decisions about my life, and making sure that I stick with those decisions.

I know that no one really is reading this blog, and that is totally fine with me. it's really like I've said, more of a diary than anything else. I apologize to anyone who's come to this blog and just been depressed by what I write.

Hope you all have a fantastic evening

K

244 & 243

Someone explain to me my I'm such a people pleaser? I'm always giving in to people. It's depressing.

249-245

So, I always have so many things to say if this were a conversation, but when I go to write them all down, they just disappear.

I was going to share with you the complete and total pain I've been experiencing for months now. I'm finally taking the time to do the research and figure out what the hell I'm going to do.

I have PTTD. (Post Tiberial Tendon Dysfunction) My left ankle is almost completely turned in. I am only 30 years old. Almost every case I've found online writes about this being age-induced or sports induced. I can tell you that neither applies to me. Again, an issue with karma.

WHAT DID I DO?????? Grrr stupid Emperor of the Universe.


Anyhow, short explanation of PTTD is that it causes slow deformity of the foot, collapsing the natural arch and eventually rolling the ankle inward, creating pain beyond your best imaginings. I wake up every single day in pain and I go to bed in the same state. I usually try to keep these things to myself as everyone I know just thinks I'm crying wolf all the time, or just find me to be very sick. I hear things like "You're always sick." or "Jeez Kristi is anything NOT wrong with you?" So, I don't like telling everyone all the problems I have. It sounds ridiculous even to my ears.

However, at this point I could no longer ignore the pain. I"ve attempted to wrap my ankle and arch with ACE bandage. I've purchased a semi-rigid ankle brace and I still have my custom-made orthotics. I've been trying to wear sneakers to alleviate this pain and I have to say, nothing is working. I decided to suck it up and call the doctor. Tried my PCP and didnt get a call back. Then, I decided to call the doctor's office that I originally went to, over 6 years ago. They are getting me in April 23rd, so I will have more to share at that point. I know the orthotics aren't helping me at all. The pain in my feet is astronomical and nothing OTC touches it. I want to lose weight desperately, but when I tell people that WALKING, just the simple act of walking to the bathroom, causes me so much pain I can't hardly handle it they assume I'm just coming up with excuses why NOT to exercise.

NOT TRUE!!!

I wish I could let someone live in my body for one day to experience the amount of pain that I deal with on a day to day basis. Then ask them what THEY think of it.

I'm rambling, I do apologize. My whole point here, is that I hurt every day and I'm sooo effing sick of it. I am too young for this shit. So, I'm going to figure out if there is anything I can do in the meantime. Will keep you posted!!

Kristi

251 & 250

Well, at least I know I was told ONE correct thing and now I will just have to play the waiting game. Guess I'll have to deal with open hostility for the next year. Yippee!!

On another note, I'm making roasted cauliflower which I'm extremely excited about. Also, sometime soon i'm going to try to make cauliflower instead of rice for one of my meals and see how it turns out!! I saw it on the Today show and I was super excited about it.

Cruciferous vegetables are wonderful!!

K

253 & 252

I am not a vindictive person. I truly don't wish horrible things to happen to people. I don't really wish for revenge and to be honest I rarely stick up for myself in the way that I should. I have long feared that I have a heightened empathic ability which impedes my day-to-day interactions. It makes it hard for me to handle negative reinforcement or really any negative reactions to things I may have said or done.

I don't really believe that the truth shall set you free. There are so many instances when instead of telling a secret you should really just keep everything to yourself. What kills me is that I've been really honest lately in a certain situation and all it's done is get me stomped on relentlessly. It's made me cry and feel miserable. It's turned a simple situation into a battle royale.

So, to those who feel that honesty is a virtue, I say. Bullshit. I am going to call absolute and total bullshit.

I am so tired of giving in and giving way. I am so tired of giving and giving and receiving nothing but ridicule and mistrust and poison in return. When will it end? When will all of this be over?

I have no answers. I can only hope that within time all answers will reveal themselves. One thing I DO believe in? Time heals all wounds. By healing, I don't mean erases them. It just smooths the rough edges. I am cursed with a weird memory for conversations that I hold onto for pretty much ever. So, I know that grudges can be held and distrust is inevitable. There are those who prefer to live their lives in a constant state of mistrust and misappropriated guilt. I am choosing to rise above it this time. I've spoke my piece and said how I feel. I am not responsible for someone's inability to realize the truth even when it's spoken to them.

It hurts and it's depressing, but I can't make someone SEE what they don't want to SEE. It's just like in The Mortal Instruments and in The Percy Jackson series. The mist is powerful and doesn't just affect how someone sees the mortal world, it affects their ability to see beyond what they believe as well.

Somehow, I've got to just keep on moving and focus on myself for once.

K

256-254

I'm not entirely sure how its possible, but I've lost myself.

There was once a girl who had everything figured out. She knew where she was going and what she was going to do there.

Then a person came into her life who irrevocably changed her forevermore.

Now that confident, fun-loving girl is gone.

No one wishes more than I that she could find her way back, but the truth is, this isn't possible.

It's time to find someone new.

K

259-257

I don't have words of wisdom. I don't provide some astounding clarity on the web for a random soul to stumble across. I have never claimed to be anything but a girl randomly spewing words for her own purposes. I just want that to be clear. There are really no end results here as far as a contribution is concerned.

I, myself have benefited many times from those individuals who truly "blog" on a regular basis. Those  people who take the time and effort to glean information and share it with those of us that spend a good amount of time staring at a computer screen. I want to say that I appreciate you.

I appreciate each and every individual who takes the time to share their insight, knowledge, information, ideas and expertise with the world. Those of you doing that without a quid pro quo. You help me and many others in ways that I'm sure most people in this age of technology don't even stop to think about.

With that said, there is a campaign going on in the Facebook and Twitterverse with people changing their profile pic to an equal sign. This is supposed to represent their support of gay rights and marriage equality. I haven't done any such thing. Not because I don't believe that every person has a right to make their own decisions. Not because I am swayed either way. I haven't done it because the gesture is pointless. Those people in charge, because we have done everything in our power to allow them to be in charge, will fight out this battle and make their decisions whether we voice our opinions or not. I haven't changed my profile picture to show support because I also have many friends and family whose opinions would differ from my own and it would create such a stirring that I wont encourage that event.

However, the truth is that I DO support everyone's right to choose whatever they are considering in their lives. It is Mary Sue's right to smoke cigarrettes. It's John's right to drink alcohol. There are so many choices to make in your life that the idea of someone taking my choice away from me is ludicrous.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this, but so many of my characteristics and thought processes have been influenced by books. For the longest time I don't think I even realized it to be honest with you. But that is the reality. I think of those characters and those words that they have spoken inside my head and what they say comes out in what I say. Now, here's another way to look at that. I'm just speaking the author's opinion. Some would say that because the author has written their characters a certain way, that means this is also the author's opinion. I don't really think I live in the school of thought. I think characters have a life of their own. I think that some authors may just be prophets.

There's this author who has been around for ages and ages. Her mind has brought us some of the greatest science fiction ever written. Anne McCaffrey. She has been writing for over 40 years. Her contribution to the world of literature is astounding. What really gets to me though, is the life lessons and moral values her books convey. Sure, they can be hidden inside a fantastically woven story with rich character development, descriptive landscape and a new world to explore, but in the end she teaches lessons in every book. She provides this amazing insight into what could happen in the future.

I'm not a loon, I realize that fiction is fiction. But do you ever stop to think how many people in authority positions quote famous artists from the past? When Shakespeare was writing his plays and poems back in the day, did everyone of that time assume he would be immortalized for life? Those stories I studied in high school to determine the underlying meaning of every single word, did the author intend for 15-18 year olds to be dissecting his words to figure out what he really meant by them? No, I don't really believe those authors thought their work was going to picked apart for generations to come.

I know this is a rambling crazy post, for anyone who takes the time to actually read through it, I apologize. All the craziness in the world lately I've just been feeling the need to thank those out there with a truly noble zest for blogging and sharing. I want to appreciate those great authors of the past who were the bloggers of the 16th+ century. I want to pay respects to anyone who has taken the time to express their dreams with the written word. Sadly, it isn't as prevalent as it used to be. I personally, have experienced the generation where books are a sad, sorry thing of the past. I have had a love affair with fiction since I was a baby. My son hates it. He has not found any of the joy in losing yourself to another world within words. So, I understand this marvel is waning. It's a devastating movement among those in this generation and the next.

So, I urge you to pick up a book. Even if, like me, you've been on a reading hiatus and nothing seems to appeal to you, just pick up one of those treasured stories and read it. Take the time to escape into Nora Robert's world of magic. J.D. Robb's futuristic procedural. Rick Riordan's land of the Gods. I don't care what floats your boat. Just go sailing.

All My Love,
Kristi

262-260

You already know I love How I Met Your Mother. Tonight I watched Season 8 episode 20 and at the end I got the best surprise. This absolutely made my night. I hope you enjoy it.


Ted and Barney Harmonize!!!

264 & 263

Does it drive anyone else crazy when someone who SAYS they will do something at a certain time, completely FAILS in that regard? No? Because it makes me want to punch them.

When it's business related. It just pisses me off to no end. I've started this little journey that I don't intend to share with anyone but my mom. Every time I share my desires with the world, they never come true. Call it silly superstition, but the reality for me is that this is what happens.

So, in the midst of trying to examine my possibilities, I had someone inform me that they would have information to me by the next business day via email. I did not receive said email. I proceeded to call the person and they did not take my call. I"m really quite annoyed at this point.

I'd like to get moving on myself and I really can't until I have that info. So, I'm at a stalemate and it just pisses me off.

Boooooo
K

265

So, my horoscope told me today that I'd put a lot of time an effort into something that hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to, which is ridiculously accurate. However, it also mentioned that I learned everything I needed to know from that situation and could now move on.

I've been in such a funk lately that I just can't seem to figure anything out. I've gained like 8 pounds and I'm depressed all the damn time. This craziness needs to stop.

I keep trying to find something that will make it better but I'm not having any luck. There are just too many things that aren't making me happy.

I've got so much going on in side my head that I"m miserable 9 times out of 10. It's really an awful feeling.

I want to be more successful, I want to be less crabby. I would really like to have money. I know that all probably sounds unreasonable and selfish, but the truth is I'm tired of being me. I've been trying so hard to be better the past 16 months. It's been exhausting.

I'm even considering something now that I never considered before. I mean at some point this all has to get better right?

268-265

Just gonna share a song today.

272-269

So a few things have happened this week.

I colored my hair.
My foot has been feeling like its going to fall off or just kill me.
Spent the day with my friend Ashley for St Pattys. It was exhausting.

Here are some pics.

274 & 273

I am three days into washing my face with Raw Honey. I haven't taken pictures because:

1. I'm lazy
2. I haven't quite figured out what exactly would be good pictures.
3. I hate my face

However, I can tell you that once again I have noticed a dramatic difference in the feel of my skin in just three days. It is softer with a smooth texture. Hey, at least I kept something up for 3 days in a row. :) I'll keep it up and continue to report.


lots of luv
K

275

So, I've decided that this whole not challenging myself to do a single darn thing has been extremely detrimental to my existence. Time to get back on the horse. Each week I plan to take baby steps to get back to changing my life. Even if those steps appear to be completely insignificant.

So, starting today I'm getting back to washing my face with the raw honey experiment. I'm going to see if it actually makes a difference.

I"m also going to try to take pictures of my face to post and see if there is any noticeable difference.

Luv ya,
Kristi

277&276

It's Always interesting to find out what people think is good or talented. Four instance, there are people who think a photographer is great! Then I see their pictures, and I am extremely disappointed.

Anyhow I am just extremely amazed at the way people make their decisions.

P.s. I gained 5 pounds. It is extremely depressing.

279 & 278

I know that I've mentioned secrets on here before and the general nature of them. However, in a little experiment I've undergone recently, I realize the true reality of a secret. Yes, I'm aware that sentence is rife with grammatical error but it's late and I truly don't care.

The experiment is this: Have a secret that one would normally share with a friend. Keep that secret for 3 weeks. Out of the blue, share the secret. What do you think then happens?

I'll tell you what happens. That friend is completely incapable of keeping said secret and it officially becomes news.

I don't know about you guys? But this completely proves my Secrets theory.

Best advice I can give you?

Keep your damn secrets to yourself.

K

281 & 280

I have to stop caring so much about work. There comes a point when a person needs to realize that all of their hard work will essentially amount to nothing.

So, taking a step back and considering that my job is just that, a job.

284-282

It's amazing to me the little slip ups that can truly affect the way things happen.

Everyone has heard of the Butterfly Effect, right?

"the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere, e.g., a butterfly flapping its wings in Rio de Janeiro might change the weather in Chicago."

I can see this in every action and reaction that occurs naturally in our lives. A person has one little lapse in judgement and it changes the course of their entire life.

A girl pretends to know the definition of a word and proceeds to have a conversation about said definition, only to discover that she had absolutely NO clue what she was talking about and most likely made herself look the idiot.

A person might say yes, when they should say no, and it makes a relationship end.


There are so many factors in what we do. It's impossible to keep them all straight. I'm starting to think I understand why so many people don't leave their houses.

Less damage can be done.

Signing off for today.

Sorry I've been such a slacker.

K

288-285

I'm pretty sure I'm going through a phase. Everything has been pissing me off. I'm so cranky call the time. I don't wrote on here nearly as often as I should. It's just a weird phase.

I need to stop putting my nose where it doesn't belong.

I need to stop pretending I'm more important than I am.


Ok, that's enough for tonight.

K

289

I came across some old letters I'd written myself over 6 years ago. I came to a conclusion that I've known for quite some time now.

I let other people influence my life entirely too much. It's just strengthened my resolve to get back to being "Kristi" again.

Things are goin to get better. They have to, because I refuse to be unhappy and disappointed all the time.

Just wanted to share.

K

292-290

So, I finally went to the doctor this morning and sure enough, I've got a sinus infection and bronchitis. Apparently it can't ever be easy with my body. My body hates me. :(


I know that I haven't been keeping very good track of things this year. Maybe it's because I'm already over that 30 hump so I feel kinda lost and just blah. Perhaps it's just because so far 2013 sucks sideways. I"m not 100% sure, but so far I'm not really enjoying my time. I haven't really lost any more weight. I've been depressed and miserable, I did something I dont want anyone to know about because yeah, I said it'd never happen again.

I've discovered I'm very very jealous and also a very bad person. I'm tired of being me, and I hate that I'm broke all the time. I mean seriously can I PLEASE just win the lottery already? I promise I wouldn't turn into one of THOSE lottery winners. I already know what I'd do. Pay off all my debt, my Gramma's debt and my  parents debt. Get my Gramma new eyes and better health. Then, give all the remainder to Doc to invest for me and live off the interest, guaranteeing that Wyatt has a trust fund and all the money he could ever need for his future.

Oh yeah, and I'd make sure the piece of shit asshole that thinks himself Soooooo wonderful, doesnt get a dime and gets fucked in the ass. Why you ask? Because he deserves to be taken down about 6 pegs from where he thinks he stands in life. He deserves nothing but misery.

Yes, I realize that was a bit gloom and doom and is possibly illegal thoughts, but seriously a girl should only be expected to take so much. I can't take it anymore. I don't WANT to play this part anymore.

I want to be Kristi Lynn Harvey again. I'd almost completely forgotten her, but I'm trying to find her again. Sorry if you stumble upon this post, I promise I'm not crazy or sociapathic, I'm just fed up with doing everything for everyone else and basically being left out in the cold.


Cheers,
Kristi

294 & 293

Being able to escape into the world of fiction, whether it be on television or through the written word, is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Just Sayin'


If you have not watched "How I Met Your Mother" (HIMYM) Then you are missing one of the greatest shows ever.


Lots of Love,
Kristi

298-295

Don't have an excuse really, other than being sick and miserable all weekend. I'm obviously having issues being as focused this year.

According to my horoscope, this is supposed to be an amazing year for me. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only January. I'm just disappointed is all.

Mostly, I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I'd had epiphanies and all these wise insights into my life, but now I'm just really not sure.

K

300 & 299

You know, I have to wonder sometimes if my bad karma is really just playing games with me, or if I truly deserve all the bad things that happen to me.

I am hopeful that karma will catch up with everyone. I truly am. I just wish I could stand up for myself one day.

Ever feel like no matter what you do, you just can't seem to win?

I've been feeling like that every day. It's a terrible feeling.

302 & 301

I will NOT get sick...I will NOT get sick!!

Seriously, I am feeling so blah right now. I think I put myself through too much this week.

Gotta get past this.

304 & 303

Since I can't seem to get my words to do the talking, it seems its always safe to let my music do it for me. Here's some more songs to enjoy... in no particular order of preference.

1.Neko Case "People Got a Lotta Nerve" Just because I met this guy at my friend's work and he was very ...Indy/Bluesy/Jazzy/Nerd and we talked about the "vibe" lol So here's to you Justin: from the basement. ;)

2. The Counting Crows "Round Here" because it's from Charmed and even though it's considered really old now, it's still one of my all-time favorite shows, and in reality how I fell in love with my son's name.

3. Jason Mraz "I'm Yours" Well....I'm going totally random in my iTunes Library and it's what I just fell on, but you know what? This is a great song. I'm Yours!!!!

4. Eminem ft. Rihanna "Love the Way You Lie" Don't know why but this song always gets me.

5.Mary Chapin Carpenter "10,000 miles" Not sure why I just picked this one, but it always makes me think of Fly Away Home with Anna Paquin, you know before she became the slutty vampire sex toy she is today in True Blood. AAAAaaaannnd of course before she was blonde. lol No offense Anna Paquin, I still love you, but it's hard to reconcile the cute little girl who loved the geese with the naked lady on True Blood. So, I dedicate this song to anyone who remembers Fly Away Home and who loved it.

I hope you all have a great week. If not a single solitary soul is reading this, that's okay too. I hope that no matter who reads this, or passes by, or even if it's just in internet purgatory forever, I hope you find a new song here and there, or a new way to listen to music.


Lots of Love,
Kristi

306 & 305

Just call me Slacker McSlacks-a-Lot,

That should be my new name. It's just been too difficult to write lately. It's almost like I have a HUGE barrage of things to talk about but they all just float around in my  head not doing anyone, myself included, any good.

Do you know I have a problem? I like beauty supplies/make-up/hair supplies. I mean, ok, to be fair I AM a girl, but what do I DO with them? Basically nothing.

I'm really trying to get myself in gear, in some ways. However, in others I'm pretty standard Kristi. I'm still hoping to lose another 30 lbs by the time Ashley's wedding gets here, but I can tell you I am NOT going to hold my breath.

So, I'm focused on getting my hair healthier this year, as you already know. I'm trying to read up on organic beauty products, and I'm trying to make my life's footprint mean something more.


I am STILL a work-in-progress, my friends. I'm kinda feeling like we all are. :)

More another time...


K

309&307

Is it worse to think you're smarter than average and find out you're not OR to Think the world is smarter than average and find out they are massively overestimated?

310

Is it Spring yet? I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but I am SOOOO over this winter. I want it to be over.

By the way...even if you are content with your own company for long periods of time, being alone sucks.

Just wanted to share.

k

311

So, I've got this feeling that this is going to be a very "feel sorry for myself" kind of month. The whole 30 thing just kinda blows. My horoscope is interesting for this year. It basically says I'll find love, success and all sorts of happiness this year. I'm not really sure I'm feeling it. I'm open Emperor of the Universe, I'm still waiting.

K

312

Things have been kinda crazy lately. I've been thinking a lot about a lot just not saying much.

I'll keep you posted!!

314&313

Is it break time yet? I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to kill people lately.

I need to actually take a real vacation.

P.s. I realized recently I lie to myself a LOT.

Just thought I'd share.

317,316&315

Just when you think you've made one step forward, you take two steps back.

Grrr

318

It's truly amazing to me how some people just do not have the ability to dampen their 'freak out' switch.

319&318

I am trying to make better choices and to own myself.

Whatever I'm thinking about myself is put out there. I want the world to know a fantastic Kristi.

321&320

My best friends 30th birthday party was last night. I think the simplest word I can use is 'interesting' it was a very interesting night.

Just wanna post some pictures.

323 & 322

I KNOW I KNOW I've been a total slacker lately. I can't seem to think coherently enough to write anything worthwhile down. So, I'll just let music speak for me for a few days.

Enjoy

I Hope This Gets to You by The Daylights.

Can't Stop by Mozella

324

I feel like I'm getting strep. Ok, I'm so not feeling the cosmic joke that every time January rolls around I have to get sick.

So, I do NOT accept!!!

327,326,325

Yep, I've been seriously slacking. Sorry!!!

But I did learn how to fishtail braid my hair. Yay!!

329 & 328

So, I woke up this morning and I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin muscle area. OMG my inner thigh down to knee hurts so much it's crazy.

Nothing seems to be alleviating the pain. boooooooooo

I think I'm going to read The Gabriel Method, just to see what he has to say.

Cheers,
Kristi

cross your fingers that this pain only lasts one day.

330

It has just been one of those days. I don't have a whole lot to say. :( Hope everyone has a wonderful night and hope tomorrow goes better.


lot of luv,
K

331

Just wanted to share a few songs I've recently discovered and found out I love them. They just strike a chord with me. This is exactly why I like soundtracks. Whether they be from movies or TV shows. LOVE them!! They help me to discover new music.


1. Can't Stop  by Mozella (Clearly I discovered these songs from watching Castle)
Purchase Here

2. Circus Girl by Mindy Gledhill ( so far there is no official video for this song, it makes me sad because I totally love it and I kinda hate using crappy YouTubers vids. But this is the best I could do. Still a GREAT song, it's super catchy!)
 Purchase Here

3. The Devil's Got My Soul by The Crossroads Band
Purchase Here

4. The End by Pearl Jam. I thought I'd share the live version. I really really like this song. It's kind of weird, the more I listen to Pearl Jam, the more I really like them. Such and odd world.
 Purchase Here

5. A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope. I cannot tell you  how much I truly enjoy this song. The music, the lyrics and the voice. It's beautiful. This is a really great live version.
 Purchase Here

6. Wow I didnt know I had so many... hahahah Fact-Fiction by Mads Langer This one incorporates a song I found from Castle (great show) and another show I love The Vampire Diaries. Yay!!


Purchase Here

Okay, I guess that's enough for now. Oh wait... I know that no one is actually reading this or looking at these, but I do want to share just one more tonight. Ashley, my best friend for over 20 years, I know I've mentioned her before. Anyhow....she wanted to play a song for me, and I can tell you that doesnt normally happen. haha usually it's me doing that to her.

Regardless, she said the song reminded her of me and all the changes I've been trying to make. So, without further ado...



7. Brand New Me by Alicia Keys. Hope everyone discovers their Brand New them!!!

Purchase Here

I do not own any of the rights to these songs, I'm just sharing them with you from a public sharepoint with the hopes that you will love them as I love them. If you do? Please go to iTunes and purchase them. They are well worth the money!!!

Lots of Love,
Kristi

332

Tried something different tonite. I made my awesome homemade Alfredo sauce. With my Schar Gluten Free multigrain penne. If that wasn't enough... I also made shrimp. Hmmmgarluc shrimp Alfredo?


Yum-O as RACHAEL RAY would say.

333

Interesting horoscope today. Apparently. It's time to find my higher purpose in life.

I'm still trying to figure myself out. Lol

Thanks horoscope!

K

334

Hi there people!!
Just a couple of things today.

• I don't care how much you think you know about someone, you don't really KNOW them.
• If you tell someone a secret, if officially loses 'secret' status, just be the act of telling.
• Split-ends are NOT repairable, unless you cut them off. If you cut a piece of paper, will it ever go back together exactly as it was before? NO Come ON use some common sense. 
• I repeat, trims are necessary to get rid of split ends. Period.
• K-cups with the mesh bottom are fantastic.
• Advil is my friend
• annnnnd............................
• Fishtail braids are wicked hard to do. 

Okay cheers!

Luv yas,
Kristi

336 & 335

So, It's been a really crappy day. No specific reasons, I've just felt like I'm in this awful mood. I'm searching and reaching for this unattainable goal and honestly, I really feel like I need to give up the damn ghost.

I think I'm effing gaining weight. And I can tell you I'm NOT happy about it. What is it? What is going on? UGH I'm so annoyed with my body. Maybe I'm just having a moment. Perhaps I'm just stressing unnecessarily. I need something else. Those minor thoughts I was having about finding something else? Gone.

So, as anyone who accidentally stumbles upon this blog can see, I've been hit by the dark side. Apparently I need to tap back into the force and fix this crappy, cranky BLAH feeling I've been having.

UGH!!!

337- straw curls outcome

Just wanted to share the outcome of the crazy straw curls!! I officially LOVE them!

339 & 338

I am taking the "No Heat" challenge and the take care of my hair and do something other than a ponytail to a whole new level.

I have probably over a dozen straws in my head right now. This is for straw curls. I'm going to let them sit for an hour then take them out.

Here's what I look like right now. :)I thought I should include the link to the tutorial. I do NOT own this video, clearly I am NOT the girl speaking in the video. I found this young lady by accident and I confess I think she's a DELIGHT!! She does amazing things with no heat. So anyhow, if you want to know where I got this idea, click here. Beautyklove I am totally sending a shout out to you.

Thanks girlie!!!

340

So, I read my horoscope today and funny thing, it's telling me to stop working so hard and focus on ME.

Thanks, horoscope! I think I will. All year long.

Time to get pretty folks!

342 & 341

5th day of no blow-drying. My hair is frizz-city. Honestly , I don't know how people do it. They just have great hair I guess.

Anyhow, I got some new cleansing conditioner to try. Wen 613.

Im not 100^ sold as of yet. But I'm gonna give it a try.

Will let you know what happens.

K

343

Working on a post about receding hairlines in women. I'm compiling all my info.

I think people will be surprised.

Cheers,
Kristi