347

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. Yeah, I’m sure no one is surprised. That seems to be my anthem. I’m notoriously pessimistic and sarcastic in my day-to-day life. I’m 29 years old. I’m living in this time-warp inside my head that pretends to be still 19 or maybe 21. Whichever suits you. The point is…I haven’t been living my life, I’ve been surviving it. That is NOT how you should go through your life. Just going from day to day and not really experiencing the gift we’ve been given. There are so many things that I am not sure of, life, death, faith. However, with that said, should I hide inside my head and not experience the things I could be experiencing?

 

NO!!!! Now listen, I KNOW that life is what you make of it, but I also know that money makes the world go ‘round. As much as most people don’t want to agree with me( and that’s fine because every single thing I write here is 100% my opinion and what I’m thinking at the time) it’s the truth. When I have money, which is rare, I feel more balanced and more in tune with myself. Its because I’m not freaking out that I only have $6 in the bank and when I say $6 I literally mean $6. I have no savings, no bonds, no anything. If I only have $6 then that is truly all I have. So is it that I just need to win the lottery? OF COURSE!!! Duh what was I thinking. Absolutely, let me just get right on that. Come on now people, if I could just win the lottery that would be great. I’m a smart girl, I could totally keep my job and never feel that panic ever again.

 

(sigh) Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If we could all just win a lottery or something along those lines would’nt that just jump-start this ridiculous economy that everyone keeps talking about? Its too bad that isn’t an option. We are stuck in the endless cycle that is pretty much the same as, I believe, most people live in. Go to work, pay the bills you can pay and do what you can to survive. It’s the first step in surviving instead of thriving. In going through the motions and EXPERIENCING the life you have.

 

It’s wrong. Its never going to be the life you want if you aren’t experiencing the things you want to experience. Ever since I graduated from high school I feel like I’ve been lost. I’ve been adrift in the sea of life just waiting to be rescued. How stupid is that?!?! If you’re lost at sea and you need to be rescued…what is the first thing you should do? Find any and all ways to attempt to rescue yourself. At least that’s how I see it. Find land, light a fire, get provisions, ANYTHING. Don’t just sit on that log floating along in the ocean. Something is going to get you and either slowly eat away at everything you are, or gobble you up right quick and destroy your life. Being sedentary, being a pawn in your own life just allows other people to make you who you are. I firmly believe that everyone that touches you definitely AFFECTS who you become, but they don’t make you. Remember that? THEY DO NO MAKE YOU!!!! They can shape who you are and affect decisions you make, but ultimately you make your own choices. It’s the beauty of free will.

 

Free will is a concept that I confess I have a problem with. I am not always someone who thinks that there is more than one choice. People are always saying “there’s always a choice” I mean its in like every book and every movie about life decisions. I always want to scream at the book or the tv and say NO THERE ISNT!!!!! There’s only one VIABLE option. And there you have it folks, the kicker. “They” are right. There is always a choice, but it’s a matter or whether or not that choice is the right one for you. Even if it doesn’t feel like much of a choice, you can still choose right or wrong. Its like fates little joke. Who are YOU going to be Kristi? What type of person are YOU going to be today? Every single day we are faced with decisions that have that ripple effect for the rest of your life. It’s a kick in the damn gut.

 

Once again this post is haphazard and most likely confusing to anyone but me, but hey, I’m the only one reading it so its good. When I look back on this next year it will be good to see if I feel a little different then.

 

So today I leave you with this, Please, don’t just live your life.Experience it. Find a way to enjoy the moments you have and don’t just go from one day to the next with nothing in between. Before you know it, you approach the end and then you have to do something with a  bucket list. Its depressing and sad. So, join me in changing my own damn life. 21 days today with 2 or less Mt Dews/day. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can do something before that 347 days turns into 1.

 

 

Much Love,

Kristi