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There are days when it feels like the weight of the sky is on my shoulders. I’m no Titan and you may well know, a mere mortal such as myself should not even attempt to carry such a load. However, there are days…

Sometimes I think that it’s all this cosmic joke. That someone up there, out there wherever, is playing this real game of  Life with all of us as the players. Then again, that theory is just as crazy as any other. Depression is listed in the dictionary as such:

• Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
• A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

Those words can apply to so many people in so many different stages of their lives.  Let’s dissect them for a minute.

• Severe Despondency-A state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage

How many times in my life have I actually used the word ‘despondent?’ I’m actually not sure, but the more I look at it, the more it seems to apply. Low spirits caused by loss of hope or loss of courage. I have most definitely had both of those. A loss of hope can be the result of a myriad of things. For me, it’s a lack of faith in myself. It’s the idea that I don’t have meaning as anything other than my son’s mother. For me, it can be that I’m invisible. I play a good game, and I can certainly pretend like everything is OK, but that’s just the actor in me. So,

Despondency? Yes, I have that. It’s part of that weight that seems to shove me down every once in awhile. Loss of hope? Check.

Mental Disturbance. I struggle to completely delve into this one, as it truly is more of a condition, that a state of mind. No pun intended, but I’m not a clinical professional, and so I don’t really feel qualified to elaborate on this one. However, for the sake of this post, let me just say, that all of us have felt, at some time or another, the “Mental Disturbance”  of emotional distress. Death, pain, heartbreak. These are all what I think could cause a “Mental Disturbance.”

Lack of Energry. HAH!! Who are they kidding? Lack of energy? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t regularly say they wish they had more energy. Do you know any mom’s out there that haven’t completely passed out on the couch folding laundry/sorting items/even vacuuming? I don’t. I know some moms that I would consider super-human who accomplish everything and do it so well that it makes me wonder, “what the hell is wrong with me?” I am so tired ALL of the time. Now, I know that part of that is because of how out of shape I am. What we eat, and what we don’t eat affects our body’s ability to function in ways we can’t even imagine. All the studies, all the information out there, still isn’t enough to tell us what a miracle the human body, truly is.

I’m going to  stop there for now. I think I’ve spewed enough sadness for the moment. But, let’s consider this. Depression has so many different avenues to choose from, I’ve been down that road and I’ve been helped. However, I no longer want the help I was once given, so now I’m on the road and I’m traveling along by myself. It’s hard to make the choice to try and fix everything in your life, all by yourself. But you see, that’s just it. No matter how many people you have available to help you, you still have to be willing to make the choice yourself. You have to fight for what you think you want to do with your life! It’s up to each and every one of us individually to make the choices that are right for us, not necessarily easy, but right. Depression hurts. It can be physical, emotional or even just mental. The thing is, its debilitating for some people and for others it’s just manageable. In the end, we all have to decide how we’re going to deal with it. Medicine. Ice Cream. Alcohol. Drugs. Food.

 Whatever the vice is, the trigger is the depression. I guess what I’m saying is, while I feel like Atlas, I know that the weight of the sky is not crashing down on me, and I have to be willing to say what I’m feeling and then find a way to deal with it. Hope I didn’t depress you too much. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Lots Of Love,

Kristi